Motherhood

Beckett is two months old today! I can’t believe he has been in the world that short of an amount of time and changed me so much as a person. I can’t even begin to explain the love I have for him. Before Beckett Andy and I had five years alone as a married couple. We went on trips, moved states twice, hiked a ton, and just really enjoyed our alone time. We were both excited and a little scared when we first learned we had a baby on the way. We prepared for Beckett’s arrival with tiny baby outfits, baby gadgets galore, and baby birth classes. Heading to the hospital the night before Beckett arrived I felt so prepared. I thought I knew what to expect out of parenthood. Oh how wrong I was. Beckett made his appearance after 17 hours of intense labor and 3 hours of pushing. He came out screaming and was placed in my arms while his daddy cut the cord and set him free. I waited for the flood of emotion to take me as I held my squirming, gooey, baby boy. Honestly it was not there at first. It felt so surreal. Was he really mine, had all that pain been real, and was I really a mommy? The two and a half days in the hospital flew by with visitors coming and going, nurses explaining breastfeeding, and sleep deprivation creeping into my life. The first night following our son’s birth I managed to drag myself to the shower and clean myself up for the arrival of our families. While in the shower Andy and Beckett had the first real bonding moment. I remember coming out of the shower and finding them snuggled up together with tears streaming down my husbands and a giant small aimed at my son. I knew Andy had just fallen in love again and my heart melted. I was so happy that he was so happy with our little bundle of joy. I was also secretly worried. Why had I not cried tears of joy yet? I mean even when I first held him I did not cry. I was curious as to what he looked like and concerned that he was smaller than I had anticipated but tears…not yet. We went home with our little man and had guests for a few more days and then on and off those next few weeks. Andy stayed home with me for two weeks and it all sort of melted together. It crept up on me slowly this whole motherhood thing. It was after Beckett was two weeks old and we had a few days to be alone all day and I was able to really focus on just him and not guest, Andy, or anything else. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was his mommy and he was mine forever. Overwhelming does not even come close to describing the love and fear those first few weeks brought me. I was constantly afraid of messing up or not knowing the right way to do something. It worried about him getting enough to eat. The whole breastfeeding saga needs its own post entirely. Slowly my comfort level increased and my confidence in my ability as well. By five weeks I knew his cry for food, for diaper change, and for just needing me. My days were suddenly filled with holding my son and admiring his handsome features. I searched his face constantly for something that resembled me and have found that right smack dab in the middle of that amazing little face that looks just like Andy is a nose I know all too well. He has the little button nose that belongs to my side! How exciting! He is so laid back I really can’t complain about how hard motherhood is. He cries rarely, sleeps well, and eats heartily. He started smiling at about six weeks and again my heart grew. Will it continue to swell as each new milestone is reached? I imagine it will. I just never knew I could feel this way. I love my family, I am in love with my husband, and I have no words for the feelings I have for my son. He made me fall in love with his daddy all over again. What women would not swooned at the sight of a daddy loving on his son or telling you how great a gift you have given him? I am going to try to do better than I have these first two months about writing down how I feel and what I am experiencing as I experience motherhood for the first time.